Only oneself can stop the hurting
by Vendelareader
Summary: He was hurting, hurting so much. His ribs were puncturing his lungs every time he breathed to alleviate the pain inside, or was it the burning need for air he was trying to relieve? A scream and a running leap to twist into nothing and disapparate.
1. To dare

**AN: I was reading angsty fics with Sirius and then I wrote this, still crying over those I've just read. Hope you feel the angst in this one. This is short. As you'll notice. But there will be more!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own copy of the books and my own edition of the movies. All bought with money in the store. **

He was hurting, hurting so much. His heart, his very core was hurting, constricting and expanding with a thump each time that echoed in his ears. Exploding in his head.

His ribs were puncturing his lungs every time he breathed to alleviate the pain inside, or was it the burning need for air he was trying to relieve? Was it really the bones that had punctured his lungs or was it the words, screams, that had blasted holes in them?

The air, the chilly air, that was warmer than the voices yet colder then the loneliness he had had then. He wasn't condemned to be alone then; he was now. Pain racked up as fire along the muscles in his legs, the fall and the hit made him suffer now, or was it simply the pain from fatigue he felt?

He took a running leap and something tore at his throat, hurting it and making it even more raw than before. A scream. A scream and a running leap to twist into nothing and disapparate.

**AN: Please give me a review? You can just send me a smile if you're feeling lazy! **


	2. In the meanwhile

**AN: Next Chap, I feel like a machine spitting out fanfiction :)**

**Disclaimer: still claim no ownership.**

He was soaring through the air, broomstick firmly clasped between his kneecaps he reached over the broomstick and towards it, towards the snitch. His snitch. And once again he caught it, dove towards the ground, hovered a man's length over it, jumped off the broom and landed, gracefully. A bit like how he would land after a leap as Prongs. He walked a couple of steps and then he stopped. Now his demeanor changed from classy and cool to gleeful rather abruptly. This move would sooo make Evans swoon for him, who wouldn't after seeing his daring leap and graceful landing? He thought, smile tugging at his lips.

He looked down at the snitch tightly clasped in his gloved hand, it was rather warm today wasn't it? Never mind that it was past midnight and not day any longer, it was summer after all wasn't it? Even the nights were warm, because why else would the snitch have such a clear, sweaty fingerprint on it? It can't be because of something silly as being nervous, nervous for not catching Evan's eye for yet another year.

No it can't be that. James Potter does not fret over anything, but the clenching of his heart told him something else. Or was it maybe a feeling of foreboding he had? Now that he thought about it, he swallowed, he hadn't heard a word from Sirius, not even through the mirror.

**AN: I thought that I should do some angsty!James too now that I've a Hp fic going. Sry no Sirius in this chapter, but in the next one! I think... **


	3. Sightings

**AN: New Chapter! Hehe, I'm enjoying this.**

**Disclaimer: How many times do I have to crush my dreams of being rich by saying this? I own nothing! **

He directed his gaze elsewhere, towards home, the manor, Potter manor. He secured his grip around his snitch and took hold of his broom, which had lowered itself to ground while he was occupied by his swirling thoughts. The foreboding

When he turned to face the hills, behind the manor, about to walk towards the shed his vision was filled with an unexpected sight.

**AN: Ridiculously short I know, but there will be at least two today so sod off and wait an hour(or less).**


	4. The scream ends

**AN: Aaaand a new one's up**

**Disclaimer: Do not own **

The compressing and decompressing of apparition didn't effect his lungs anymore than the sobs that racked his body did, why did it hurt so?

Swollen lips screaming about rights and wrongs while hurting so badly inside, hatred burning but going out like a blown out candle at the words that leaves their lips, like a choir, like a choir their voices blend to make it all one and the same.

His scream and leap having died away as a cost of apparition leaves him motionless at the lawn, wet with dew.

**AN: It will be more today so don't worry and don't ask me why it's so short. **


	5. Move!

**Disclaimer: don't own**

His hands, having lost their hold of the snitch and broom, shook. The snitch zipped of into the night sky, reaching for the moon and the stars like the golden snidget once had. James feet were rooted to the ground, the sight before him. It was that of a broken Padfoot.

Padfoot.

He said between trembling lips.

Padfoot, I.

His very vocal chords seemed to be shutting down, collapsing in on themself like Sirius knees.

SIRIUS! He final yelled and suddenly he was sprinting, wide leaps; almost transforming into his animagi form. His knees folded and he slid on the dewy grass to his brother's side. His hurting brother.

**AN: Please review?**


	6. The bleeding inside

**AN: I'll try to do longer chapters, promise! Around 150-200 words I think...**

**Disclaimer: Own, I do not.**

James was here, I was too. I had made it, made it to Jame's. I'm safe now, I can breath now. My chest was hurting, now I knew it was more than wounds from their hatred piercing me.

How could I think such pain was caused from just a few words? Words meant nothing. Nothing when they came from their mouths. Their voices forming that stupid pureblood choir.

A Choir.

With a song.

One.

Though the words were not few. There where plenty of them. They pierced me. But the pain now was real, it was here, it was present. Was it possible that there were actual stab wounds in my ribcage? No. It was my ribs, cracked, they had cracked. Not broken through, otherwise I would be coughing blood. Bleeding from the inside a bit more literally than most people are comfortable with. Bleeding on the inside.

I felt something tugging at my lips

**AN: Aaaaaaaand I think I'll leave it there. ;)**


	7. Sinking, sinking where?

**Disclaimer: Do Not Own **

Finally I've made James leave that damn snitch. Now I know what it is, what that thing tugging at my lips is; It's a smile. Cracking the salty tears that have dried on my face.

Pdfd

A sound reach my ears, what was that? James lips seemed to twitch just now, was it him? Haha oh, James unable to retort. Wait, I haven't said anything have I? So if he said something now it wouldn't be a retort.

Pad.. I..

Well if he won't start up a proper conversation, fit to be between gentlemen, I guess I'll have to be the one. Starting up a conversation I mean. It's not that hard anyway, all I have to do is to greet him and then it will flow as usual.

Pain, pain. It blasts through my jaw when I'm about to. About to what? Greet him yes.

My throat, it feels like I'm being choked, like my throat bleeds on the inside. It's warm and sticky.

Now it's disappearing, is it because I swallowed? Did I swallow? I'm sinking. Sinking so fast and Prongs won't make it, maybe I didn't make it? Maybe, maybe. Am I here? Where is here? Warmth, something warm is welling up my throat again. Again?

SIRIUS!

So he is here, I'm here.

Then.

I.

Am.

Safe.

Everything is turning and tuning down now, dispersing into darkness. But it's okay, I can't get any more hurt as it is. Holes through my chest and all. Holes carefully carved. It hurts!

**AN: Only had time for one chapter today, wait, it isn't Tuesday any longer. I'm two hours late! Alright no chapter yesterday but there will be two(at least) today(including this one). **


	8. Forever, like energy

Chap 8

**AN: I'm sry that I didn't update! But I've been doing homework too 2am these last days(it's true) and that's the reason for not updating. Sry!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Hp**

Padfoot got cradled, no lifted, into my arms. I could cradle him? Heart is beating hard, my heart. This is wrong. Pads was so cold but yet so warm, was it the blood that was warm? Was his warmth sipping out from his body together with his life? No Pads life could not drain away, it was to much of it. He was and would forever be, a constant. Like energy, Sirius was like energy.

Energy that the muggles had talked about in that stupid science show on the stupid muggle television. They said energy is constant, Sirius is a constant thing – being – in my life, he is a constant that belongs on earth. With me, with the marauders.

Energy never disappears. Sirius doesn't disappear either.

Yet the blood keeps dripping(smearing) warm on my arm and Sirius hand in mine is cooling.

**AN: We'll see about another update today, right now I've to write a book analysis that's is due too 23.59... **


	9. The beginning

Chap 9

**AN: I'm ashamed, I haven't updated in a good while.. But I'm back and thank you for following, favoriting and reviewing each and every one of you, you have made me europhoric! **

**Disclaimer: No ownership**

You're vile Sirius, vile I say. Crippling and tainting our line of pure Blacks, _always pure_ is what we have been. Until now of course, until you. Walburga black spat at her son, her oldest son, the heir of the Black family line. But that cannot be, can it Sirius? We can't break the tradition.

She looked so much like his cousin Bella right now and it was nightmarish. Her strict appearance and controlled movements did nothing to hide the madness she and so many of their family carried. That prospered by the pureblood mania that had gotten into them since the dark ages.

_Everberus!_

**AN: I've replaced this chapter with a new one... I'll add more to the flash back scene in the next chapter... **_  
_


	10. To keep resisting

**AN: New one!**

**Disclaimer: No ownership**

Heartbeat, I can hear my heartbeat. Loud and clear. Why can't I hear her then? Why can't I hear mother's voice if I can hear my own heartbeat so clearly?

Something wet covers my cheeks, running down my throat to be sucked up by the robes. Leaving new tracks of the hurt that has been caused.

You're a muggle loving fool, not only do you befriend simple halfbreeds but MUDBLOODS TOO!

Humor me when I ask, WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING? YOU ARE A PART OF THE BLACK FAMILY TREE, _toujours pour_, REMEMBER!?

His fingers scrap against the floor, it leaves a mark. He scraps his nails hard against the wooden material again and again. Destroying it. He feels a smile tugging at his lips. Destroy it like they, like they destroyed you.

Scrap. Scrap. Scrap. Scrap.

YOU ARE A BLOOD TRAITOR!IT'S BEEN CLEAR FOR LONG NOW, but it's hard to give up hope on you own children. Luckily you're no child of mine for much longer.

Her voices tears at his heart and rings in his ears. His fingers continue to scrap at the floorboards, they're hurting him. The floorboards. His fingers are bleeding and he can see splinters, nasty splinters. Should he stop? No, not ever. He can't stop fighting.

Scrap. Scrap. Sc..

LET US BLAST YOU HAVE THE WALL SHALL WE? LET'S MAKE YOU DISSAPEAR SO THAT WE WILL AL BE HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE YOU WHERE BORN!

**AN: I rewrote parts of the chapter(this was previously chapter 9) so I hope it's better now.. **


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